


I Said It Was A Stupid Idea

by Fafsernir



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gwen Bashing, Heavy Gwen Bashing really, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 05:52:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7745698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“See?! That's why we never do this!”<br/>“I don't think he can hear you, Ianto,” Tosh shook her head at the young man who still complained.<br/>“I can still see the head...”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Said It Was A Stupid Idea

**Author's Note:**

> I managed to write that first one, yay!  
> Anyway heavy Gwen bashing ahead, it is just for fun, to make people laugh and myself have a good laugh. I'm sorry if anyone takes it personally but there's no reason to take it badly :) I don't like Gwen and sometimes it's just fun to kill her off. Read the community description to know more! Nothing is canon compliant, it's really just a crack fic, written with the help of ceywoozle for the plot! Thank you ;)

The wheels screeched on the road as Jack took a tight turn. The whole team was holding for dear life not to be overthrown off the car, except Owen who really liked one of his move. He was half out of the window, his arms stretched out, holding his gun and trying to aim for the car they were chasing – and which contained two fleeing aliens that had killed the owner of the car they had just stolen.

Except that Jack was driving fast and Owen didn't know the streets enough to be aware of the street lights being very close to the road, and the fact hit him, hard.

“See?! That's why we never do this!”

“I don't think he can hear you, Ianto,” Tosh shook her head at the young man who still complained.

“I can still see the head...” Gwen said, looking out of the window she had opened right after Owen's head had made a beautiful glide through the street.

“Bloody hell, Gwen, don't--”

“Ianto or Gwen, shoot while I turn!” Jack cut him off. Ianto aimed – window opened but without risking his life by getting his head out – and fired when Jack abruptly turned the car in a perfect U-turn to take the road on the other side. Ianto didn't really know if he had touched the car ahead of them, but at least he had tried.

“Everyone's fine? Where's the head?” And only in Torchwood would one hear questions like this.

“I'm okay,” Ianto muttered, and Tosh agreed with a grunt.

Jack sighed, relieved, then realised the person next to him was very silent. Which was unusual, considering it was Gwen. He didn't turn to see, because he had to watch carefully the road to pull over not far from the place Owen's head had been torn off his chest.

“Gwen are you okay?”

On the back seat, Tosh gasped, and Ianto seemed to choke on his own saliva. Jack finally turned his head and stopped the SUV as soon as he saw that if Gwen hadn't talked it was because she couldn't. He stared open-mouthed at the body next to him. The body without a head. The silence that followed the discovery of Gwen's... beheading? was heavy and Ianto broke it by a “Shit” he tried to repress but whispered anyway.

None of the three passengers dared to move, until Ianto opened the door and got out of the car. “Fucking Torchwood,” he muttered under his breath but everyone heard him. When he slammed the door, Tosh and Jack snapped back to reality and looked around in confusion. So that was it? Hundreds of aliens, of dangerous technology, of running and shooting, to be killed by... By what exactly? Probably a street light or a sign, as Owen, except that Owen was already dead, nothing that couldn't be repaired even though it would be painful – for Ianto who would do most of the job, not for Owen as he couldn't feel pain any more. But Gwen wasn't. And she was... gone?

 

Ianto was cursing every two seconds, in English then Welsh, and maybe in Japanese and Spanish as well. When he cursed in French, he wondered why he knew only insults in other languages, but then he swore in German and that just felt so good. In the end, he didn't even remember why he was being so impolite. Was it Owen's stupidity (no but really they weren't in a bloody movie), or the fact that he had to search for his head everywhere because this jerk couldn't fall and stay on the spot, he had to roll God knew where? Or maybe it was losing Gwen, in the most stupid way possible. He felt sad because she had been an asset for Torchwood and on some rare times a friend for him, but mostly angry because even for a human who had nothing to do with Torchwood – or any job that involved risking your life everyday – it was a dumb way to die. Not even a clean death.

He sighed after a while, because it was still a loss, and tried even harder to find Owen. They should find Gwen as well... The memory of what he had seen on the SUV made him shudder and he concentrated on the street. It was dark, in the middle of the week, so pretty empty, which was good. But the dark wasn't helping and even if he could have seen blood it wouldn't have helped as Owen wasn't actually bleeding. It was complicated to keep up with this dead-not dead status sometimes... Ianto wondered if he could ever die. If he were to choose, Jack's curse seemed a good option all of a sudden, compared to Owen's uncertain state.

After ten minutes of silence and research – Tosh and Jack had joined – they heard Owen's voice calling them. Tosh found him, and Ianto picked him up by the hair, not caring about his complaints.

“Put me down Ianto!”

“Okay,” Ianto shrugged and almost let Owen's head go.

“No don't! Once in the car.”

“I told you it was stupid...”

“Well I'm not dead, am I? It's just very unsettling and awkward to be carried by _you_.”

Ianto rolled his eyes, even if Owen couldn't see him, and they got back to the SUV, Ianto wondering how he would actually be able to sew the head back into Owen's body so he could still move his lower body parts. Once they were in the car, ready to go, the body of Owen holding his head – as best it could as Owen couldn't send orders for it to move, it was already a miracle he could still talk – they dared to sigh of relief. This was an ugly way to end their day...

“Where's Gwen?” Owen asked after a while.

“... Shit.”

“We forgot...”

“You did what?!”

Ianto explained what had happened after Owen's stupid actions while Jack was starting the car. After his explanations Owen nodded – or tried to – then frowned.

“But where's... you know... the rest?”

“... Oh come on!” Tosh exclaimed. They had forgotten to retrieve Gwen's head after Owen's.

“She's Torchwood, she deserves to be well treated,” Ianto said, but Jack threw him a look through the rear view mirror.

“We still have two aliens on the loose. We couldn't let anyone find Owen like this. But...”

“I am not going back to search it after,” Ianto warned.

“We could still say to Rhys where it was...”

“We're not sending that poor man to search for his recent-wife's head...”

“How are we going to tell him this?” Owen asked the question everyone was thinking.

There was a silence, then Ianto spoke, “Last to raise his hand announce it to Rhys.”

“Haha,” Owen said ironically, but both Tosh and Jack betrayed him by raising one hand. “Oh come on, you're cheating, I can't even play.”

“We have enough to do with you,” Ianto grumbled. Owen tried to throw him an angry look but Jack slowed down to take a speed bump and his head turned towards the ceiling. He complained the rest of the journey but nobody put him right again.

 


End file.
